This is the first thing I wrote when I first hit that turning point moment.... when you get that light bulb over your head and you hear that big ol ding!
So from the get go this isn't a woe is me party - but more a way of me trying to come to terms with me and my baggage. So read if you so desire or not :), I am finally trying to do something for me, be a healthy me for me.
Anyways what has smack me back and forth in my face the last couple of weeks is that i am completely and utterly an emotional eater. I have always kinda known it but I've finally started to sit back and look at why I am this weight.... what makes me eat like I do and well.... I'm happy i celebrate with food, I'm sad i console myself with food, I'm angry i take it out on food..... Wow oh wow not a good thing to do, if it was i wouldn't be the weight i am!
So what made me come finally sit back and take stock, well being sick with a bad chest infection, getting over a bad ankle injury, working stupid long hours and being 2 hours from the man i love and who I don't get to see very often. It all came crashing down the other day and i was a big heap of sobbing mess in a corner, and i just wanted to bury the hurt and heartache in food. It was like a light bulb that went off in my head, this is my relationship to food, so completely and utterly unhealthy, (I also learnt that my phone bounces when its thrown at a wall lol)
If take a long honest look at my life it has always been that way. It was the way I dealt with a whole lot of pain and heartache while I grew up, into my teens and onto my 20's.
Then finally trying to find some control in my life, i lost 30 kilos. I felt like a new me - I vowed never to go back, then i met my ex. At first it was great and then it started falling apart, we both turned to food, we got married, by the end of it I had put it all back on plus some and my self confidence was shattered.
I moved to Australia to get away from that life. To start anew, to find some distance between me and the pain. At the time it was one of the hardest things I have had to do before, coming here only knowing two people and my life in three suitcases. I had to rebuild my life - I got a job, have a flat, and in the process found my best friend, my love, my everything (love you hunnie).
Then BAM - light bulb time!!
I have found I think what will be what I think IS actually the hardest thing i will ever do. Coming to terms to why I eat like I do, as that means coming to terms to all the hurt that has happened in my life, and moving past it.
This is a very long term process.... but you know what it is all worth it. I want to, and I have to do this.... I know that this won't be an easy process, oh god no, but my light at the end of the tunnel is in the shape of the man i love. I want to be healthy as I am all kinds of excited about the life I can see for us.
I'm doing it for me, I'm doing it for us.
